I took medicine today to get over this sickness before tonight and I feel worse than I did before I took it! WITH one exception my throat doesnt hurt anymore. I feel drowsy, groggy, my stomach hurts, and my head feels so heavy. Blah. I dont know whether or not to keep going with the medicine or stop taking it so I can go to church tonight. Hmm.
Sometimes when you dont want to do something, there are many obstacles that can easily get in your way. Mostly because you dont want to move them out of your way. Thats how I feel right now. Im going through healing journey at church.. and boy its a journey. It takes you on a path that is very difficult to face and hard to overcome... I will overcome it but it wont be easy or painless. In order to get past something, to really get past something, you have to get through the hurt that was the root. Its not going to be easy and its not going to feel good but once you get past it you will be much better! Fortunately I dont have to do it alone, I have God right there next to me.
Ive wrote this paragraph like 3 times, not knowing what to say. I feel stuck. Its hard to know what to write and how much to write when I dont even know what I feel. I just got back from a vacation and already feel like I need another one. I long for alone time with my husband.. maybe Im just spoiled since I spent 11 days with him but uugh. I miss him so much. I feel obligated to do things I dont want to do and I cant seem to get out of them. I confess stuff to people and then they turn it against me.. How could they do that? I know they dont mean to and I need to learn to stand up for myself but ugh. ugh. Im one of those people that when you ask me to do something that I dont want to do, Ill say no.. then if you ask me again, Ill say yes. Im so afraid of coming off as a bitch that I end up doing things I dont enjoy or want to do because of it. I get mad at myself, and feel guilty for blaming them when its my fault!
Guilt. Thats my biggest struggle. I feel guilty if I eat too much, drink too much, dont exercise enough, call my grandma enough, please my mom enough, clean the house enough, if I miss church, if I dont pray enough, read the bible enough, if Im not being the ultimate housewife, hang out with friends often, if I dont work enough, if I spend too much. When Im with friends I feel guilty for not being with my husband, however when I dont spend enough time with my friends I feel like Im losing touch. This is something Im working getting over because I know its impossible to be perfect and please everyone and spend enough time with every person you love. I dont like the guilt. I used to think it was normal actually until I went to HJ and now I realize that Im not supposed to feel this way.
Romans 8:1 "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus."
Right now God is working on me to get to the bottom and root of my guilt... which goes back to my childhood. Its not easy doing this but how fun is it to feel guilty for everything I do?
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